Empty Nest. Unfiltered.

So, we’re a few months into my son’s first year of “big boy school” and so far, the transition has been nothing short of a miracle. For my son. I, however, had a slightly tougher time actually leaving the school campus in the beginning. I may have been escorted to my car once or twice.


You can imagine the relief I felt when we were handed a class roster that included the teacher’s personal email address! “Phew!” I thought. “I now have unlimited access to the ‘new woman’ in my son’s life, and I can write her anything, anytime, anywhere!” As a totally put-together, laid back mother, I want her to know that I am a highly confident, full-time working parent who loves her son to pieces. The last thing I want her to think is that I am, to any extent, completely bonkers.

So, be honest. What do you think of my first draft to her?

Dear Mrs. C,

Greetings and Congratulations!

My son, Julian, is in your Kindergarten class! I was just wondering how he has been doing over the past couple of months? Whenever I ask him about his day, he often recites “The Pledge of Allegiance” several times, ending it “with puberty and Justin for all.” I take no issue with your update on that tired old pledge. But I am quite curious as to which “Justin” you are referring. “Timberlake” is fine. “Bieber?” We will need to schedule a parent-teacher conference immediately.

Moving on! I was wondering, does my child ever mention me? Does he say: “I miss my darling mommy SO much and I wish I were home watching her desperately search for her misplaced car keys right now?” Hmm. Perhaps that information is confidential. Like, between a psychologist and patient? Not to say that I see a psychologist. I’m doing GREAT since he’s been gone. Only some pseudo-shrink hack with an online degree in European Witchcraft would suggest I have “Empty Nest Syndrome.” I’m far too busy to cry on his bed and grip his abandoned lovies while singing “Baby Mine” from Dumbo.


Speaking of Doctor/Patient confidentiality… Do you happen to have any formal medical training? Perhaps you were once a cardio-thoracic surgeon or an ER trauma nurse at some point? I only ask because when Julian came home from school today, after he recited the “Pledge of Allegiance” he stated that another child tried to disembowel him. Though I was thrilled that he was finally sharing his day with me, I was not so thrilled with this brute of a child. I’m not one to name names, but let’s call her MARY. Because that’s her name.

All right. I admit that he didn’t say “disembowel.” He’s FIVE. But he did mention that she karate chopped him hard in the stomach, totally unprovoked and not at all “on accident”. I am just curious as to your plans for having her expelled? Do you know if her family is open to relocating to another city/state/country?

Oh! He mentioned that you ask him multiple times a day to sit “criss-cross applesauce” and to keep his hands to himself. I assure you, we are working on this diligently at home. I am actually teaching him to meditate so he can better cope with the stress of being away from me. Unfortunately, every time we begin the meditation, my work phone starts ringing and I have to answer it.

Clarification: My job is NOT more important than my son’s schooling. I’m lucky that I work from home and I still get to play with him, read with him, and I’m the ONLY one he wants to wipe his tush. It’s quite an honor. But I wonder, could my work hours be having a negative impact on his academic achievement? He brought home a painting of a fat, upside-down giraffe wearing sunglasses yesterday and said it was supposed to be me. Do you think that is a bad sign? Oh that’s right. You can’t tell me. Doctor-patient confidentiality. So this is good, that means you ARE actually a doctor and you can administer life-saving surgery on the alphabet rug if necessary. Phew!


By the way, can you please tell me how often the alphabet rug you use for circle time is cleaned? And are non-toxic cleaners being utilized? If not, would you mind either composting the rug or relocating your class? I suggest under a tree in Big Sur or Ojai.

One more teensy thing. Since Kindergarten has started, I’ve noticed an amazing explosion in Julian’s vocabulary! I was told that kids tend to pick up new words on the playground, but I never knew a child could learn so many different words for flatulence! I’m not sure if I prefer the term “farty party” or “air-poop” but my personal favorite has to be “Mommy! I just totally ripped one!” Especially when he shouts it in line at Panera.


In closing, I just want to say what a lovely time we have all had during this very special transition to Kindergarten. It is so nice that I can put my mind at ease knowing my baby is your very favorite student, and that you definitely find him outrageously gifted in so many ways… with the exception of self-defense…. against Mary… who clearly was brought up in a Bruce Lee cult of some sort.

Respectfully yours,

Julian’s wonderful mom.